Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.