I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
This one’s “Alex”.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
cat vs inanimate object
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”