The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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We’ve come full circle
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
it must be school picture day
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?