[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Ummm
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon