Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win