my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape