You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Realize this:
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.