This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
i think we should see other cousins
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died