Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.