I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders