I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Finally, a door that understands me
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.