[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay