Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
🤣dope
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
life finds a way
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*