Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You Might Also Like
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?