“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.