He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: