My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
You Might Also Like
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*