[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching