My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it鈥檚 3 v 1 but if you lose, you鈥檙e eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My son said he鈥檇 do something in a minute.
So far it鈥檚 been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who鈥檚 counting.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I鈥檓 too pretty for prison
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
This is my emotional support yacht 馃巰
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don鈥檛 stop, you鈥檙e poutine me in the mood
Ok, so we鈥檝e already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
鈥擥od, creating toddlers
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child鈥檚 last name would be Middleagedman
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.