*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh