Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house