Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Who.
Did.
This?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
She: I like Cats
He:
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts