Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
this is literally a CIA plant
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour