I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking