My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Why is no one talking about this?!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL