me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*