Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit