Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.