Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
whatcha thinkin bout
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.