[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”