Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.