Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁