The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Love is in the air fryer.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.