It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”