Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
How to make infinite energy.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain