Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
me when i see my girls butt
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.