This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
when someone compliments me
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage