hi why am I like this
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.