Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.