FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
This meeting could have been a cake
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
December birthdays be like…
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers