If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS