I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
podcasts
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”