*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU