What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.