I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
A ghost story
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you