If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
the saddest jazz hands ever
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.