Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Pat is about to own someone
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
mood
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t