You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.