* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
opening a flower shop called women in stem
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.