You Might Also Like
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When you’ve simply given up.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!